Happy New Year

Happy New Year... I hope this year brings you great joy!

My new USB drive seems to be enjoying it already!

Freedom & Evolution

FREEDOM!!!! I feel like Mel Gibson, except I don't feel like painting half of my face blue! My parents left town today... I love them dearly, but I am glad they are out of my hair.

And now for Evolution.. well the evolution of gaming!! Enjoy & have a happy new year!!

Sheepie's Christmas

Have a great Sheepie Christmas!!

Ugh... Christmas

My parents are in town and staying with me... We're going to be visiting lots of relatives and meeting new people. So I decided I'm going to memorize this list for the inevitable question (well of course except the last one LOL):

Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Why aren't you thin yet?
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Nobody would believe me in white.
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

The night Santa went crazy

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
• Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
• Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy cow! Look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....
• Cocaine Addict -- I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
  
• Irish -- You scumbag, you maggot, You cheap lousy faggot, Happy christmas your arse, I pray to God its our last (Fairytale of New York)
  

Merry Nightmare Christmas

I usually don't like looking at my "crap" space pages, so messy!! But it's a Holiday season and I liked the "dark" pictures on Deliciouslyunusual's site

Other than that, I love this video :P... and the movie!!

Happy Holidays!!

Fairytale of New York

I won't be around much next week... so I'll double post today!
An ode to fairytales!!

Thanks for sharing this Sasha LOL

Happy Holidays!

To all the straight men out there, I'm sorry (I still laughed :P)
To all the women, enjoy!
To all the gay men.. ENJOY!!
LMAO

Southpark personality

Grrrrr... I got sucked into this! Well at least I'm Kyle... I think that's good! LOL

Shake it up this Holiday!

I just love snowglobes, don't you?

12 Days of a geeky Christmas

It's funny how quickly things change LOL....

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a PowerMac 604e.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six cool new fonts, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven Photoshop filters,six cool new fonts, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, MacOS 8, seven Photoshop filters,six cool new fonts, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 9 new chat clients, MacOS 8, seven Photoshop filters,six cool new fonts, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 10 cool URLs, 9 new chat clients, MacOS 8, seven Photoshop filters,six cool new fonts, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 11 Desktop Textures, 10 cool URLs, 9 new chat clients, MacOS 8, seven Photoshop filters,six cool new fonts, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 more megs of RAM, 11 Desktop Textures, 10 cool URLs, 9 new chat clients, MacOS 8, seven Photoshop filters,six cool new fonts, five new Zip Carts, four floppy ten packs, three game CD's, two 1 gig hard drives, and a PowerMac 604e.

Happy Holidays!!!

Don't you just love mistletoe?

Pascal's Animations

You've got to watch the "Boss Animations"! They are just so wrong that they'll make you shoot pepsi out of your nose :P

Mmmm donuts

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?

I swear I'm not a hedonist!!!!!!!1

World of Warcraft BCD

Yes, this is a game I'm addicted to... But OMG!!!!!!!!!!1 I didn't know what else it did to me!!! *cry*

Damn Goblins!

The Five Monkeys

We all know the first three monkeys, but did you know about the last two?

Extraordinary Magician

A true master of the art!!.... not like those other hacks!!

Important lessons from 80's cartoons

I didn't want to outright plagiarize this guys article, the comments are hilarious!... so here's a link to his article and the summary below, Enjoy! :P

8 Important Lessons Learned from '80s Cartoons

1. The Smurfs: Communism works!


2. Popeye: Spinach is good for you.


3. G.I. Joe: Knowing is half the battle.


4. Scooby Doo: Trust no one.


5. He-Man: It’s OK to be gay.


6. Jem: Grrrls rock!


7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: April O’Neil is really hot.


8. Transformers: If we’re not careful, robots will kill us all.

Big Breasts

LOL sorry I had to share this... but personally, I'm more of a butt man :P

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Sadly yes... I do fit in the last category :(

*HIDES*

Reactable

Cool new musical intrument... imagine what you could do with it :P

The Homeless Woman

This just scares me....

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Bird for Christmas

Well I'm heading out of town, so no blogs until Sunday...

I know it's not Christmas yet, but I thought I'd share this little video about a bird for Christmas Dinner. :P

Happy (one day early) Turkey Day!!

Meet Dr. McNinja!

Dr. McNinja... he's a doctor AND a ninja!!! What could be better?!
Hmmm... wait maybe if he was a doctor and a PIRATE!! YAY!!!
I'll keep my fingers crossed!

The Ultimate Showdown!

This is a little gorey LOL... so watch with that in mind LOL




And here is a 3D movie... not bad, just not as good as the flash one above :P

I told you!

This is a little late for Halloween, but I had to share it.. DUDE!!

Love Buggies

This is so wrong, that I had to share it LOL

Murphy's Other Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

T-Shirt Quotes

"You! - Off my planet."

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?"

"Well, this day was a total waste of makeup."

"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."

"And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?"

"I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years."

"Allow me to introduce my selves."

"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."

"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."

"I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up."

"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep."

"I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one."

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."

"Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?"

"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"

"Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done."

"Earth is full. Go home."

"How do I set a laser printer to stun?"

"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

"Don't make me angry, The voices in my head don't like it when you make me angry."

"Don't make me angry, I am running out of places to hide bodies."

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"

"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

"IF I WANNA TASTE THE RAINBOW I'LL EAT A LESBIAN"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN......Cops have nothing to go on."

"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."

"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

Here are just some of the T-shirt places that I like to browse :P
Busted Tees
Sinful Shirts
T-Shirt Hell
Think Geek

Deep Thoughts Contest Winners

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally --but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Movie Cliches

These are great!!! Read over some of the other cliches at this site, you'll be rolling in the isles :P

Spaceships make noise!

Spaceships always fly perpendicular to the same axis. When two spacecraft encounter each other, they're always aligned on a plane and never approach at odd angles.

All spaceships, no matter how small, have internal artifical gravity and no matter how badly your ship gets pummeled by the evil aliens in the evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working.

There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your spaceship. No matter what happens anywhere int eh ship, you will always be able to ask the computer to replay the scene for you later (even if the computer went up in smoke) and unlike those blurry convenience store cameras, your tiny ship cameras always capture everyone's actions at eye-level with perfect lighting.

Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments.

Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion will send passengers reeling across the room.

In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology.

Stuff on my cat

This is a pretty darn entertaining web site... yeah I know, it's cheesy! So pass the crackers will ya?!

Samhein & Sasha

Happy Samhein and Happy Birthday Sasha!!!
And watch out for this vicious pumpkin (no that's not her)!!

Dress up

Who wouldn't want to play dress up with this man?

First Kiss

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:



Is it the right time?



Is anyone watching?



Does your partner even want to?



Is your breath fresh?



And... Should you use some tongue?



Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

The Carwash

This flash is along the same lines as the "subservient chicken", but ummm a heck of a lot more fun!!

Try some commands like "wiggle", "homework" and "oneofthelads"... you figure out the rest of the fun ones ;)

Original mah na mah na

This is the original Mah na Mah na song is all it's glory!!... I wish they would have shown this one on the muppet show!!! Boobies yay!!!!!

Dreaming of a better world

I had to add this one too!!!

Hey Ya (Outkast)

Interesting Version by Mat Weddle

Addicting/Annoying Game

Ok this is one of the most addicting/annoying games I've played in a while... best I could do was about 13.5 seconds (I suck!!) *twitch*

Sexual Consent

Crazy Cat

This was too funny not to share... but don't bother clicking on any links at the end, unless you read Chinese :P

The hell test!

Whew... I scored a 98!!! I'm normal!!! Whatever the hell that means.

Gift Idea

With Christmas quickly approaching, I thought it'd be a good idea to start looking for that perfect gift.

Here's one that'll put the fun back into housework... It's a washer, covered in leather, with a saddle! Click on the picture below and check out the settings! LMAO

Muppet Matrix

Oh Kermi....

Thumb War

Geek Sex

Sweetheart and Wellhung - Cyber Sex.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Two Religious Nuts

A Catholic priest and a Methodist pastor from two local churches are standing by the side of the road, feverishly pounding a handmade sign into the ground with a large rock.

The sign reads: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

As a car speeds past them, the driver yells, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say, Bridge Out?"

Downloading Food

This is a pretty funny new ad campaign by Mickey D's...

What Angel are you?

Ummmm yeah thanks... ~hurl

You are the angel of happiness, energy, and fun! You are the one who helps shine the light on the world. You have a glow about you that makes you seem like energy in human form. You help make even the saddest of times enjoyable.
Your hair is a glowing brown
Your skin is like the sun
Your eyes are golden.

Take this quiz!



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Taking a tinkle.....

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.

The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Test for smart people

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

[+/-] show/hide this answer
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

[+/-] show/hide this answer
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? - Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

[+/-] show/hide this answer
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

[+/-] show/hide this answer
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Wedding night

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

Fast Eddie....

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Nudist Trampolining

OMG this is the funniest thing EVER!!!... oh and fun too!!!

Pirate Day!!! Argggh

Arrrrrrr, today be talk like a pirate day, argh!

So talk like a pirate or walk da plank, shiver me timbers!

Arrr, you can talk like me by clickin' har Aye, me parrot concurs.

Strange Statues

... from around the world!

How to flirt

Where babies come from

... and now you know!

A Love Story

Google Flight Sim!

WEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... this is for those times when you're REAL bored!!!

Happy Birthday to me!!!... errrrrr

Yes, it is my birthday... don't ask how old I am because I'm getting close to a scary age!! LOL Apparently though, my father still thinks I'm ummmmm, what is that six candles on that cake? I scanned this wonderful card I received in the mail. Yep I must be six.

The inside reads:

Today is your birthday.
It's time to celebrate
with scoops of icecream,
and yummy cake.
Won't that be great!

Have a Happy Birthday
Thanks Dad! It feels good to be six again!

Long Awkward Pose

This site called Long Awkward Pose is just cruel!!! LMAO I love it!! I may have to find some unsuspecting victims and post!!! YAY!!!

Beer Sex

How drunk would you have to be to think someone is hot?... find out at BeerSex.net (and don't forget to look where Bea Arthur and Courtney Love sit in the rankings! LMAO)

Greek Toll Road

Note to self: Always bring money when taking a Greek Toll Road!!!

5nak

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately... so many other things I'm doing right now - but on my off moments I do "stumble" around on the internet. I stumbled upon this great web site of a Russian artist. I love the overall site design and his art is dark and dreary - LOVE IT :P

Institutionalized

To All my brilliant friends...

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Ummm... No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. So... do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS? :P

Da Vinci Code Advisory System

Set threat condition yellow!!

Emotion Chart

The 16 sides of my favorite actor Steven Segal (that's sarcasm btw)... gotta love the versatility in his acting roles - I actually laughed out loud when they killed him off quickly in Executive Decision!

Under the Milky Way

(Church)

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty
Sound of their breath fades with the light
I think about the loveless fascination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Lower the curtain down on Memphis
Lower the curtain down all right
I got no time for private consultation
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And it's something quite peculiar
Something shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

Under the Milky way tonight..
Under the Milky Way tonight...

SMS for Geeks

SMS (Text-Messaging) Shorthand for Geeks Using Server Response Codes (blatantly copied, but credited to Liz Revision for the original)

Instead of awkwardly typing on your phone’s keypad something to the extent of “cant find yr house” or “theyre charging a cover here at this venue,” try using server response codes!

200 = OK
The client’s request was successful, and the server’s response contains the requested data.

[FRIEND] hows the sushi ovr there?
[YOU] 200

or

[FRIEND] is it cool if i come over after work w/ a 6pack?
[YOU] 200

202 = Accepted
The request was accepted but not immediately acted upon. More information about the transaction may be given in the entity body of the server’s response. There is no guarantee that the server will actually honor the request, even though it may seem like a legitimate request at the time of acceptance.

[FRIEND] come to our party tonite. addy = 2143 hoyne apt4. theres a keg
[YOU] 202

204 = No Content
A status code and header is given in the response, but there is no entity body in the reply. Browsers should not update their document view upon receiving this response. This is a useful code for an imagemap handler to return when the user clicks on useless or blank areas of an image.

Use this one in place of “lame” or “nothing exciting here”

[FRIEND] how’s the music ovr there? djs start yet?
[YOU] 204

300 = Multiple Choices
The requested URI refers to more than one resource. For example, the URI could refer to a document that has been translated into many languages. The entity body returned by the server could have a list of more specific data about how to choose the correct resource.

[FRIEND] hey whats goin on tonite?
[YOU] 300

301 = Moved Permanently
The requested URI is no longer used by the server, and the operation specified in the request was not performed. The new location for the requested document is specified in the Location header. All future requests for the document should use the new URI.

[FRIEND] yo im heading ovr there now ok?
[YOU] 301: rodan

302 = Moved Temporarily
The requested URI has moved, but only temporarily. The Location header points to the new location. Immediately after receiving this status code, the client should use the new URI to resolve the request, but the old URI should be used for all future requests.

Use this one in place of “brb.”

[FRIEND] yo im heading ovr there now ok?
[YOU] 302

401 = Unauthorized
The result code is given along with the WW-Authenticate header to indicate that the request lacked proper authorization, and the client should supply proper authorization when requesting this URI again.

[FRIEND] were u able to get in without yr ID? or no?
[YOU] 401

402 = Payment Required
This code is not yet implemented in HTTP.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t use it over SMS!

[FRIEND] is it a free show 2nite or is there a cover?
[YOU] 402

403 = Forbidden
The request was denied for a reason the server does not want to (or has no means to) indicate to the client.

[FRIEND] i herd the show was sold out. did u get in?
[YOU] 403

or

[FRIEND] how’d it go last night with that new girl???
[YOU] 403

404 = Not Found
The document at the specified URI does not exist.

[FRIEND] is there any parking outside the place? did you find any?
[YOU] 404

or

[FRIEND] where teh frak r you??? weve been waiting for 2 hrs now…
[YOU] 404

or, [*advanced*] as an inverted request, signalling “i’m lost”:

[YOU] 404
[FRIEND] 2 blks n of armitage at dickens, 3rd bldng on right

405 = Method Not Allowed
This code is given with the Allow header and indicates that the method used by the client is not supported for this URI.

[FRIEND] can i bring my dogs to the theater?
[YOU] 405

406 = Not Acceptable
The URI specified by the client exists, but not in a format preferred by the client. Along with this code, the server provides the Content-Language, Content-Encoding, and Content-Type headers.

[FRIEND] sup doo000000d?? im bringin 2 transvestites and some bondage gear to yr party tonite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAWK on!
[YOU] 406

409 = Conflict
This code indicates that the request conflicts with another request or with the server’s configuration. Information about the conflict should be returned in the data portion of the reply.

[FRIEND] can you meet me @ 4:30 @ filter today?
[YOU] 409: dentist appt

410 Gone
This code indicates that the requested URI no longer exists and has been permanently removed from the server.

[FRIEND] what happend to that cute roomate you had?
[YOU] 410

Blonde Calculus?

Is there such a thing as a blonde in calculus class? Well there was one!! Lets see how this problem got solved on this quiz:

This example reads, as x approaches zero, the limit of the function of 8 divided by x approaches infinity.

Quiz question:


And how did the blonde's answer? Click here

TAGR

Chad Vader - Episode 1

I will NOT tolerate this insolence!!!

Fixing Computers

At first this sign is funny... but then when you actually think about it... *SHUDDER* LOL

GO NAVY!!

The USS Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators.

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

Love you long time

Women Drivers

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traff ic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!

Valuable

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

Make sure you tell all your friends and family members that you love them and remember to hold on tight to the ones you Love

Pacman

Sorry folks... I've been preoccupied with other things lately, I've been a bad blogger :( Lots of changes coming up in my life, so bare with me :P

But for now, I will share this with you all!! YAY!!

Music Interlude

The new Osmond family... except that have no rhythm! LMAO

Jedi Breakfast

Best Stunt Drivers

Who has the best stunt drivers in the world?

#7 Italy


#6 Indonesia


#5 Malaysia


#4 Germany


#3 Hong Kong


#2 Korea


And the best stunt drivers in the world are from
the Philippines!