Monday, October 31, 2005

Acme Halloween costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Sunday, October 30, 2005


I don't think I've ever been this frustrated...

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Outrageous name!!

Your Outrageous Name is:

Hugh Jass

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Exothermic or endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well! Here is the "Bonus Question" on the exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a girlfriend of mine during my Freshman year) that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

What kind of drunk are you?

You're A Passed Out Drunk

Drinking gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, until you're thrown in the back of a police car...

Heaven & Hell

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Where have you been?

Thanks to Kali for making me feel like I need to travel more!!! I only counted the states & countries that I spend some time in, and driving through them only doesn't count... at least as far as I can remember.

create your own personalized map of the USA

create your own visited country map

Monday, October 24, 2005

I knew it!!!!

He has my PRECIOUS!!!!! MINE!!!!!

Sunday, October 23, 2005


Saturday, October 22, 2005

What if....

...we lost the war on terrorism?

Friday, October 21, 2005


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Power Color

Your Power Color Is Gold
At Your Highest:
You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you.

At Your Lowest:
You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life.

In Love:
You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude.

How You're Attractive:
You passion for life makes others passionate about you.

Your Eternal Question:
"Am I Having Fun?"

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Phone Sex for Geeks

This is one of the funniest skits from Mad TV I've seen in a while, what's even funnier is Hilton trying to act sexy LOL

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Friday, October 14, 2005

Silly Canadians

With all the recent talk of toques... Toque this, toque that, TOQUE YOU!!! LOL

I thought I'd share this find of a silly Canadian toque (at least I think it fits the definition of a toque)... I have a feeling that that silly Canadian Peter will want one!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

My hair color?

Ummm this is messed up...

Your Hair Should Be White

Classy, stylish, and eloquent.
You've got a way about you that floors everyone you meet.

Why this quiz was soooooo wrong!!
1) I'm not a chick!!!
2) White? WHITE?!!! Heck I'm already getting some grey hairs ACK!!!
3) LOL for those of you that know me, do you really think my farting in public is classy? (LOL j/k, I only fart under the covers!!!)

Rock, Paper, WTF!!!

Someone was really bored with the old rock, paper, scissor game and came up with this version with 15 choices!!! I think I'm gonna have to get this tattooed on my chest to remember the rules!

And guess what? You think that was bad.... here is a more complex version with 25 different choices!!! UGH... maybe put that tattoo on my back LOL

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Right Hand Man

A very good friend sent me this, and I'm sure it'll be all over the internet soon... this is the Queen's RIGHT HAND MAN. You may not see him again as he may disappear!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Hey YOU!!!! Read this sign!!!!!

I'll ram your car next time!!! LOL

Monday, October 10, 2005

I *heart* NY

Look closer!

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Drunk Friends

Twelve fun things to do with your drunk friends!

Saturday, October 8, 2005

Bad Wrap

Mickey D's has been getting a bad wrap lately... I just wanted to say that I still enjoy the chocolate shakes - I just won't eat anything there anymore (unless I'm starving) LOL!!!

Friday, October 7, 2005

I live in HELL!!!!

The wretched King Minos has decided your fate. His tale wraps around his body 7 times. The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to... the Seventh Level of Hell!

Seventh Level of Hell

Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very High
Level 7 (Violent)Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)High

Thursday, October 6, 2005

Wednesday, October 5, 2005


I just wanted to say... you BRITS are weird!!!!! (no offense Big Dipper LOL)

A good friend of mine showed me this web site and I literally felt my stomach churn thinking about some of these potato chip flavors (or crisps as they call them)

Walkers is a maker of crisps over there *points that way over your shoulder* and here are a list of some of those tasty flavors:

Beef & Onion
Cheese & Onion
Heinz Tomato Ketchup
Marmite Yeast Extract
Pickled Onion
Prawn Cocktail
Roast Chicken
Smoky Bacon
Worcester Sauce
Chargrilled Steak & Peppercorn Sauce
Four Cheese & Red Onion
Oven Roasted Chicken & Thyme
Slow Roasted Lamb & Mint
Thai Sweet Chilli
Cool Yoghurt & Mint
Creamy Chicken Pasanda & Coriander
Mango Chutney
Spicy Tandoori Masala Flavour
Honey Glazed Ham

If your stomach isn't churning and you are drooling then I let me help... *HURLS on your foot*

Oh and in case you didn't notice... the crisps called Latinos would cause an uproar here! LOL

*runs to the bathroom with hand covering my mouth*

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Worse job ever!

I think this job is even worse than miss urine tester...

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy... Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

Monday, October 3, 2005


I kind of have mixed feelings about Gwen Stefani... she is an awesome singer and songwriter. I actually love the stuff she did with No Doubt. And yes, even the song my friends and I affectionately call the "devil song", because once you hear it, you can't get it out of your head. But admittedly, I haven't heard all the songs from her solo album. Yes some of them are catchy, but to me they seem to be missing something - je ne sais quois. Anyway, today I just wanted to say...

Happy Birthday Gwen!!!

Saturday, October 1, 2005

Why we have two hands

A classic, but a good one :)

Why girls have two hands...

Why boys have two hands...