Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Raise......

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The Penis

Dear Penis.
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work eight hours straight.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

The Management

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but only received $66. He asked the teller why he received less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Monday, November 28, 2005

25 signs you've grown up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your SORRY OLD ASS!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Jeopardy gone wild!

I love the pause, the looks on their faces, and then the realization LMAO... this is too funny :)

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Saturday, November 26, 2005

Make your own cartoons!

OMG this is so fun!! Make your own comic strips at Gnomz!!

Most of the comics made there suck.. but there are a few really good ones!! My favorite so far is Darth vs the truth!

Make your own and share!!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Turkey Day!!

Things you can say ONLY at Thanksgiving!

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at o nce!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?


Awareness Ribbon

Happy Turkey Day!!!

Just a reminder:
We all need to help promote obesity awareness!!!
Please help by getting a t-shirt!!

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Bird Flu

Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Funky Fred

I got bored tonight and decided to start my own band... I think I'll call em Fred! YAY!! It's pretty cool, I made my band funky... Funky Fred!!! Ya ya pretty sad blog for today, but I'm dancing in my chair now! LOL!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Generic Blog Entry

Yesterday my sister and I were reading a book about sex in the Dark Ages. We were very fascinated by that stuff, so we started telling my friend Julio about it, and he began yelling:

"That's amazing!.. Dude! I was just learning about the Dark Ages in class!"

But then when my sister and I got to the part about the sex, Julio quieted down and began picking his nose. But the next day, Julio's mother told me that the reason Julio was so freaked out was because he was watching about sex on TV. On weekends Julio can be really cool like that, but he should know better...

Link of the day: Your Horroscope
Randomly generated by Flooble Instant Blog Post Generator

Have no idea what to blog about today? Well then, have one made up for you like the one above... yeah sometimes it doesn't make sense, but hey... I'm random, why can't my blog entry be random too? LOL ;)
Generate your own blog entry!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

TV Dad Salaries

When I saw this list of top 60 TV dad salaries and I about fainted...

Most of these numbers are so unrealistic LOL. I mean come on, in 2005 dollars, Andy Griffin was making $84k a year!! DAMN!!! And Homer Simpson is pulling in a cool $65k a year - I soooo need his job LOL!!
MMmmmmmm dooooonuuuuttttssss

[-] See list here

(in 2005 $)
1Blake CarringtonDynasty (1981-89)CEO Denver-Carrington$856,515
2J.R. "Jock" Ewing, Sr.Dallas (1978-91)CEO Ewing Oil$838,569
3Philip DrummondDiff'rent Strokes (1978-86)President$720,600
4Chase GiobertiFalcon Crest (1981-90)Vineyard Owner$677,487
5George JeffersonThe Jeffersons (1975-85)CEO Jefferson Cleaners$555,702
6Michael BluthArrested Development (2003-present)CEO Real Estate Company$527,205
7Jed BartletWest Wing (1999-present)US President$400,000
8Andy BrownEverwood (2002-present)Neurosurgeon$328,949
9Sean McNamaraNip/Tuck (2003-present)Plastic Surgeon $274,456
10Vernon AlbrightMy Little Margie (1952-55)Investment Executive$270,035
11Walter FindleyMaude (1972-78)Appliance Store Owner$245,668
12Heathcliff HuxtableThe Cosby Show (1984-92)Obstetrician$237,932
13Tim TaylorHome Improvement (1991-99)Host of "Tool Time"$191,526
14George BaxterHazel (1961-66)Corporate Lawyer$178,880
15Frasier CraneFrasier (1993-2004)Radio Psychiatrist$164,644
16Jason SeaverGrowing Pains (1985-92)Psychiatrist$160,466
17Philip BanksFresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990-96)Judge$146,000
18Howard BordenThe Bob Newhart Show (1972-78)Airline Pilot$135,818
19Danny TannerFull House (1987-95)Morning Show Host$130,000
20Sandy CohenThe OC (2003-present)Lawyer$113,780
21Uncle Bill Davis Family Affair (1966-71)Consulting Engineer$111,353
22Sam AldrichThe Aldrich Family (1949-53)District Attorney$102,504
23Rob PetrieThe Dick Van Dyke Show (1961-66)Head Comedy Writer (TV)$95,941
24Tom CorbettThe Courtship of Eddie's Father (1969-72)Magazine Publisher$95,021
25Alan HarperTwo and a Half Men (2003-present)Chiropractor$87,672
26Andy TaylorThe Andy Griffith Show (1960-68)Sheriff$84,019
27Tom ScavoDesperate Housewives (2004-present)Regional Sales Manager$83,688
28Ross GellarFriends (1994-2004)Professor of Paleontology$81,904
29Darrin StephensBewitched (1964-72)Advertising Executive$70,785
30Homer SimpsonThe Simpsons (1989-present)Nuclear Safety Inspector$65,000
31Henry MitchellDennis the Menace (1986-88)Engineer$60,537
32Frank CostanzaSeinfeld (1990-98)Salesman$59,070
33Steve DouglasMy Three Sons (1960-72)Aviation Engineer$53,962
34Nate FisherSix Feet Under (2001-05)Funeral Director$53,366
35Ricky RicardoI Love Lucy (1951-57)Bandleader$51,931
36Frank De FazioLaverne & Shirley (1976-83)Pizza Bowl Manager$51,896
37Howard CunninghamHappy Days (1974-84)Hardware Store Manager$49,796
38Tom BradfordEight is Enough (1977-81)Columnist $49,065
39Lars "Papa" HansenMama (1949-56)Carpenter$48,170
40Carl WinslowFamily Matters (1989-98)Police Officer$48,000
41Herman MunsterThe Munsters (1964-66)Undertaker$47,268
42Chester A RileyThe Life of Riley (1953-58)Airplane Riveter$47,049
43Ray BaroneEverybody Loves Raymond (1996-2005)Sportswriter$46,852
44Ward CleaverLeave it to beaver (1957-63)Accountant$46,617
45Archie BunkerAll in the Family (1971-79)Dock Foreman$45,431
46George BurnsBurns and Allen (1950-58)Entertainer$44,386
47Danny WilliamsMake Room for Daddy (1953-65)Nightclub Entertainer$44,386
48Mike BradyBrady Bunch (1969-74)Architect$44,064
49Elliot StablerLaw & Order: SVU (1999-present)Detective$42,889
50Andy SipowiczNYPD Blue (1993-2005)Detective$42,889
51Steven KeatonFamily Ties (1982-89)Public TV Station Manager$40,713
52Jim AndersonFather Knows Best (1954-60)Insurance Agent$38,790
53Dan ConnerRoseanne (1988-97)Construction Worker$38,202
54Fred FlintstoneThe Flintstones (1960-66)Quarry Crane Operator$37,357
55Gary EwingKnots Landing (1979-93)Mechanic (first job)$33,529
56Fred G. SanfordSanford and Son (1972-77)Junk Dealer$27,950
57Al BundyMarried with children (1987-97)Shoe Salesman$25,943
58John Walton, Sr.The Waltons (1972-81)Lumberman$24,128
59Tony MicelliWho's the Boss? (1984-92)Housekeeper$21,281
60James Evans, Sr.Good Times (1974-79)Unemployed$0

Friday, November 18, 2005

Beer saves lives!!

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And why didn't I hear about this earlier?!! Beer-flavored ice cream?! Hmmmm back in 2003... I wonder if this ever got off the ground?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Thanksgiving idea

Well, I think I just went crazy today... maybe it was the Dr Pepper I drank today (I stopped drinking soda about 5 months ago, so I'm still on my sugar/caffeine rush as I type this - YAY). But I thought up a new way to celebrate Thanksgiving for us single people.

Turkey pizza! Yep with all the fixings... cranberry dipping sauce and for dessert - pumpkin pie pizza! YAY. I even went so far as to suggest this idea to Papa John's pizza LOL I hope I don't get any hate mail from them now LOL.

Here is what I wrote:

Hi I'm a long time fan of Papa John's pizza. I just wanted to share my idea that I got today. With Thanksgiving coming up, why not make a turkey pizza? I'm single and I have no idea how to cook a whole turkey, so why not help me celebrate?

I also remember trying a dessert pizza a long time ago - apple pie or something like that. So why not try making a pumpkin pie pizza to go with the turkey! half and half!! LOL. Ok I know that's getting carried away, but hey. I love turkey!

Keep up the great work!
Oops damn.. I forgot to mention the cranberry dipping sauce - oh well, maybe if they write me back for more ideas I'll mention it. Or maybe I'll just turn a bright shade of red when I realize what I've done after I get off this sugar high!!


Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Who's line is it anyway?

This is the funniest thing I've ever seen!!

*WARNING* Please for the sake of your computer, don't drink any soda or beer while watching this video - IT WILL END UP ON THE SCREEN and between all the keys on your keyboard, and we all know how nasty sticky keys can be!! LOL

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Dish, Texas

I usually don't post politic issues on my blog, but this one is just disturbing and well in my opinion, wrong! It never fails to shock me how people/politicians will give into money over traditions...

Oh hey, lets rename our town so we can get free stuff!!! YAY for free stuff!! Oh, but once its not free anymore... oops we're stuck with the name or bad reputation. Hey why not get some big Japanese company to coax us into renaming a state, why not? Actually, now that I think about it, I want to live in the state of Mitsubishi!! Mmmm gotta love those Toyota potatoes!! Oh wait, Bill Gates should just buy the rights to Washington and call it Seattle, Microsoft - or better yet Start, Microsoft - SWEET!!! I'm salivating already.

Ok ok in all honesty, I think I'll start up my own multi-billion dollar corportation and buy the politicians so I can rename the United States... I'm gonna call it... hmmmm, I know... we can all live in the United States of Confusion!! YAY!!!

Texas town renamed DISH as part of corporate marketing plan
MATT SLAGLE, Associated Press

[] Full article here
DALLAS - Back in the 1950s, Hot Springs, N.M., was renamed Truth or Consequences, N.M., after a popular quiz show. During the dot-com boom of 2000, Halfway, Ore. agreed to become for one year.

This week, Clark, Texas, morphed into DISH, Texas. Residents in Santa, Idaho, meanwhile, are weighing the pros and cons of changing to, Idaho.

Across the nation, small communities are being courted by large corporations who say renaming a town provides a marketing buzz that can't be bought in television ads. Though some worry about corporate America's increasing influence in local government, most towns seem eager to accept.

In a deal unanimously approved by the two-member town council Tuesday evening, Clark agreed to be renamed DISH, effective immediately. It's part of an advertising campaign for Englewood, Colo.-based EchoStar Communications Corp., which operates the Dish Network satellite TV system.

In exchange, the 55 homes in the bedroom community a half hour's drive north of Dallas-Fort Worth get free Dish satellite equipment and basic service for the next decade. Company executives pegged the deal at about $4,500 per home. Signs bearing the town's name are being changed to DISH as well.

Beyond the lure of free TV service for the 125 residents, the renaming is a way for the tiny town to attract businesses and residents, said Mayor Bill Merritt, who actively courted EchoStar to pick the town.

"We really look at this as kind of a rebirth for our community," Merritt said. "We want everybody to come here."

In 2000, Halfway, Ore. agreed to become for a year in an agreement that put $100,000 in the town coffer and a new computer lab for the school.

The rural town of 345 used the money to buy a snow plow, something former Mayor Marvin Burgraff said was badly needed and has already been used several times this year. And it gave the area known know for its outdoor splendor a tourist boon that continues to this day.

Though the name is back to Halfway, the town still has signs that read "Welcome to, the World's First Dot-com City."

"It was a good experience," said Burgraff, who served as mayor after the decision had already been approved. "It was kind of fun. You look back on it and it's good thoughts."

In an age of pervasive advertising most people ignore, such stunts are a good way to grab the public's attention, said Mark Hughes, chief executive of Buzzmarketing and the former executive who devised the Oregon deal.

"Word of mouth is most powerful form of communication and marketing out there," Hughes said via telephone from Santa, where he's now leading the effort to get Santa, Idaho, renamed. "No one's going to talk about the three-thousandth Web site that launched this week. What this does is give people a reason to talk."

But some things shouldn't be for sale, argued Gary Ruskin of the nonprofit Commercial Alert.

Towns should provide basic services such as trash collection and education, "not to hawk television at its residents," he said.

"The names of our civic places reflect our values and our aspirations," Ruskin said. "It's wrong to sever the link between civic names and civic virtue."

Offers of corporate interest have backfired in some communities.

In 2003, residents of Biggs, Calif., overwhelmingly rejected a California Milk Processor Board proposal to rename the city of 1,800 to Got Milk? in exchange for a milk museum and money for the local school.

"People's take on it was, 'This is just an advertising ploy by the milk board.' There was a certain segment of population that wanted to tar and feather the mayor for even suggesting it," city clerk Marlee Mattos recalled. "Now people bring it up jokingly, everybody groans and moves on."

Clark, a rural patch of ranch land was founded in June 2000 by L.E. Clark, who lost to Merritt in May's mayoral election. He blasted the plan and said he would use neighboring Justin, Texas, which shares the same ZIP code, on future correspondence instead of DISH.

"I don't especially like it," he said. "I worked my butt off a little over a year getting it incorporated."

Merritt, meanwhile, said work had already begun to change the town's dozen street signs.

He doesn't see DISH ever going out of favor.

"I can't see right now that people would want to change it," he said. "Clark will always be a part of our history, but this is our new identity."

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Indians were right

The Indians were right. They believed photos captured the soul. How else to explain the soulful picture below: President Bush, making a speech from a beribboned balcony, appears to be wearing a big ole patriotic skirt.

(LOL thank you Sasha for the laugh)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

New Blog

Ok folks...

Now that I'm back in the blogger world after my brief three day stent away... I figured out why I wasn't happy - I needed an outlet from my outlet LOL. Well actually I needed someplace to share my crappy poetry. The mood of which it seems depends on my how much chocolate I had consumed that day...

Please check it out here: Written in Ashes

Be kind, be gentle and please no farting while you browse!!


Ok one more picture for us to all ponder on...

...I wonder what exactly it is that is sold in this store?
...and would Karen or Peter be afriad to visit?

Oh and I just adopted a new pet, I named her Kali after someone I know who LOVES spiders LOL

Friday, November 11, 2005

EKKKK, a Monster!!


This is what I get for making fun of midgets!! *cry*

Your Monster Profile

Merciless Midget

You Feast On: Tofu

You Lurk Around In: Closets

You Especially Like to Torment: Blondes

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Ya ya

Ya ya, I only quit for 3 days... Its almost kind of embarrassing, I just couldn't stay away. Its almost like Pete's addiction to cigs, but only brain cells have been damaged from blogging too much!! *twitch* Anyway, I know there is still too much funny stuff to post!

Now I gotta see if Pete's weakness is Midgets LOL (take the quiz Pete!! It only involves typing in your name!! LOL)

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Cyber Engineer
Your Superpower is Artificial Intelligence
Your Weakness is Alcohol
Your Weapon is Your Electro Saber
Your Mode of Transportation is Slide

Monday, November 7, 2005


This will be my last blog post for a while... I just don't feel about blogging like I used to, but maybe I'll post more in the future.

Until then, take care all my blogging buddies.


Tuesday, November 1, 2005


My roses are dead
the violets are too
come try to kiss me
and I will bite you

With greyness of the sky
and ground so black
I come out of my grave
for a midnight snack

I Lurk in the hills
travel in form by the night,
the blood of a victim
flows faster with fright

These roses are black
I press their skin to a thorn
the blood that comes forth
is what I adorn

Love lost is not,
I never sip on my food
their blood is now in me
so no need to brood

My hunger now quenched
no longer chilled to the bone
surround by millions
but I still feel alone