Back in town

I'm back in town... it was a nice pleasant drive from Houston to Dallas. And I had a nice relaxing evening. Back to the grind in the morning!! I'll post something more meaningful tomorrow!

Gross!!

Eewwwwwwwwwwww... During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.



In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)



An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.



In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!



Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.



In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.



At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.



Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.



HAVE A GREAT DAY... and wash your damn hands!!!!!

Viagra

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife says "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said," Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

Magic Eye

YAY! A magic eye generator! Can you see?

Urinal

A new Japanese urinal... be honest which side would you use? LOL

Ten Thoughts

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Homage

Don't ever stop being yourself
hiding behind someone in stealth
fearing that you'd lose someone
if that person stopped having fun.
You'll pay the price with a piece of your heart
sometimes the most important part.

The choices we make, we shouldn't regret,
instead grow, learn and don't you fret.
Things may go wrong, its the karma we pay
live one day at a time and don't forget to play
Be strong, love yourself and your life
and don't forget to hold on to your... "gonads and strife"

A Riddle

Highlight next to "Answer:" to get a clue!

Smell anything here? --->


Answer: A scent


See any fruit here? --->


Answer: A pear


See any snakes here? --->


Answer: Three copperheads


See any cars here? --->


Answer: Four Lincolns


See any sex here?







Hell no, and you won't for five cents !!!

Hurricane Emily

All these poor people ended up in a shelter to get away from the wrath of hurricane Emily... look at the picture closely and you'll see someone wasn't suffering as much as the others.


(click on picture to enlarge)

OMG Ouch!!

Just one comment... OUCH!!!

Moon

Google has now mapped part of the moon...

Zoom all the way in and see what you can find :)

Hilarious

These Tim Whyatt cartoons are hilarious! I had to share!

DNA

ACTCGTATGGAGCGTATGTCAGGCTAAATGCGTGTACTTATGCGTATGGACCTTCTTGCCATGGGAGGCTAG

Confused? Copy and paste the above then decode the DNA sequence here

Ya ya I was bored...

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING? (part 2)

Sorry if there are repeats from part 1....

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'

The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture
element.'

Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
category.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

Chrysler built B-29's that bombed Japan, Mitsubishi built Zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant call Diamond Star.

On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is 5050

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

Duddley DoRight's Horses name was "Horse."

Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Haley's Comet came into veiw. When He died in 1910, Haley's Comet came into view again.

Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.

The first hard drive available for the Apple ][ had a capacity of 5 megabytes.

In many cases, the amount of storage space on a recordable CD is measured in minutes. 74 minutes is about 650 megabytes, 63 minutes is 550 megabytes.

Charlie Brown's father was a barber.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously

Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)

Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is number 47. Until August 7, 1953, congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

Only 1/3 of the people that can twitch their ears can twitch only one at a time.

The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

The largest city in the United States with a one syllable name is Flint, Michigan.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15.

In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role.

Only humans and horses have hymens.

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

The state with the longest coastline in the US is Michigan.

We will have four consecutive full moons making two blue moons in 1999 (January 2 and 31, March 2 and 31.) The only other time it happened this century was in 1915 (January 1 and 31, March 1 and 31.)

Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries.

Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played by six different cats.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston.

The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California...

The 'y' in signs reading "ye olde.." is properly pronounced with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The "th" sound does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England use the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds. With the advent of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y".

The number of the trash compactor in Star Wars (20th Century Fox, 1977) is 3263827.

"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."

The international telphone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus.

The little bags of netting for gas lanterns (called 'mantles') are radioactive-so much so that they will set of an alarm at a nuclear reactor.

In the movie "the Right Stuff" there is a scene where a government recruiter for the Mercury astronaut program (played by Jeff Goldblum) is in a bar at Muroc Dry Lake, California. His partner suggests Chuck Yeager as a good astronaut candidate. Jeff proceeds to badmouth Yeager claiming they need someone who went to college. During the conversation the real Chuck Yeager is playing a bartender who is standing behind the recruiters eavesdropping. General Yeager is listed low in the movie credits as 'Fred.'

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.

The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaun-
gahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

After the Civil War the U.S. sued Great Britain for damages that were caused by them building ships for the Confederacy. We originally asked for $1 billion but settled on $25 Million.

There are 22 stars surrounding the mountain on the Paramount Pictures logo.

Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility.

In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

The only Dutch word to contain eight consecutive consonants is 'angstschreeuw'.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

The Mongol emperor Genghis Khan's original name was Temujin.

The first word spoken by an ape in the movie Planet of the Apes was "Smile".

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order.

Geller and Huchra have made three-dimensional maps of the distrubution of galaxies. In each layer of the map some galaxies are grouped together in such a way that they resemble a human being.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The second longest word in the English language is "antidisestablishmenterianism".

When two words are combined to form a single word (e.g., motor + hotel = motel, breakfast + lunch = brunch) the new word is called a "portmanteau."

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth ... and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

In 1969, the last Corvair was painted gold.

The real name of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady is Edith Fore.

Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.

Betsy Ross's other contribution to the American Revolution, beside sewing the first American flag, was running a munitions factory in her basement.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch'.

Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.

Wilma Flinestone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

Lenny Kravitz's mother played the part of "Helen" on "The Jeffersons."

Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein.

Canola oil is actually grapeseed oil but the name was changed in Canada for marketing reasons.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

"Evian" spelled backvards is naive.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright.

A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat.

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.

Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.

Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."

There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill.

ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)

What five digit number, when multiplied by the number 4, is the same number with the digits in reverse order? 21978; 21978 x 4 = 87912.

It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.

In the 1983 film "JAWS 3D" the shark blows up. Some of the shark guts were the stuffed ET dolls being sold at the time.

Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off.

The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man who ran a saloon there.

The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

Moon was Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name. (Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon in 1969.)

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself.. And Greg Evigan sang the "My Two Dads" theme.

Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser.

Alan Thicke, the father in the TV show Growing Pains wrote the theme songs for The Facts of Life and Diff'rent Strokes.

In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.

The Grateful Dead were once called The Warlocks.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.

The Professor's real name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann's last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell's maiden name was Wentworth.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

The original fifty cent piece in Australian decimal currency had around $2.00 worth of silver in it before it was replaced with a less expensive twelve sided coin.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug & Jeffrey Feiger.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Elton John's real name is Reginald Dwight. Elton comes from Elton Dean, a Bluesology sax player. John comes from Long John Baldry, founder of Blues Inc. They were the first electric white blues band ever seen in England--1961

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Horses cannot vomit.

Rabbits cannot vomit.

S.O.S. doesn't stand for "Save Our Ship" or "Save Our Souls" -- It was just chosen by an 1908 international conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone could key it and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash..

Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875.

When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny. The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.

A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister.

The Old English word for "sneeze" is "fneosan."

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Woodpecker scalps, porpoise teeth and giraffe tails have all been used as money.

The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.

Dartboards are made out of horsehairs.

One of the many Tarzans, Karmuela Searlel, was mauled to death on the set by a raging elephant.

Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Octopi have gardens.

"Ever think you're hearing something in a song, but they're really singing something else? The word for mis-heard lyrics is 'mondegreen,' and it comes from a folk song in the '50's. The singer was actually singing "They slew the Earl of Morray and laid him on the green," but this came off sounding like 'They slew the Earl of Morray and Lady
Mondegreen.'"

Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say "many things" and used a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible -- in many places - refers to "40 days," they meant many days.

Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.

'Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the lefthand.

One of the longest English words that can be typed using the top row of
a typewriter (allowing multiple uses of letters) is 'typewriter.'

When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.

Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing.

The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall.

Stalin's left foot had webbed toes, and his left arm is noticably shorter than his right.

Tomb robbers believed that knocking Egyptian sarcophagi's noses off would and therefore forstall curses.

The allele for six fingers and toes is dominant in humans. (Watch out Inigo Montoya...)

The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.

Medieval knights put sharkskin on their swordhandles to give them a more secure grip; they would dig the sharp scales into their palms.

Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

The only planet without a ring is earth.

Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks.

If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.

The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots.

Boris Karloff is the narrator of the seasonal television special "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.

Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."

A group of frogs is called an army.

A group of rhinos is called a crash.

A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

A group of whales is called a pod.

A group of geese is called a gaggle.

A group of ravens is called a murder.

A group of officers is called a mess.

A group of larks is called an exaltation.

A group of owls is called a parliament.

The 80s song "Rosanna" from the Eighties was written about Rosanna Arquette, the actress.

Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

Starfish don't have brains.

Shrimps' hearts are in their heads.

The derivation of the word trivia comes from the Latin "tri-" + "via", which means three streets. This is because in ancient times, at an intersection of three streeets in Rome (or some other Italian place), they would have a type of kiosk where ancillary information was listed.

You might be interested in it, you might not, hence they were bits of "trivia."

Don't judge & don't believe everything!

They say don't judge a book by its cover & you can't believe everything you hear.... here is a fine example:

I got this e-mail recently... its fun to hear and read about things you didn't know, but it saddens me that there are so many things that are false! I try to verify most stories with Snopes!

Dialog From a Johnny Carson "Tonight" Show. His guest was Lee Marvin. Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima and that during the course of that action, you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded." Lee Marvin's response was: "Yeah, yeah ... I got shot square in the ass and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Mount Suribachi. The bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting shot hauling you down. But Johnny, at Iwo, I served under the bravest man I ever knew. We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. The dumb bastard actually stood up on Red Beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. That Sergeant and I have been life long friends." "When they brought me off Suribachi we passed him and he lit a smoke and passed it to me lying on my belly on the litter. "Where'd they get you Lee?" he asked. "Well Bob, they shot me in the ass and if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse." "Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew!" You now know him as Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as "Captain Kangaroo".

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being any thing but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat. After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm."

TRUE: Lee Marvin was in the USMC and fought in the battle of Saipan on July 15, 1944. He was wounded three days later on July 18, spent the next 13 months in Navy hospitals recovering from a severed sciatic nerve, and was discharged in 1945 with a purple heart, but not the Navy Cross.

FALSE: Bob Keeshan was in the USMC but WWII was all but over by the time he finished basic training, it's unlikely he ever saw combat in his one year of service.

FALSE: Fred Rogers never served in the military, and he bore no tattoos on his arms. He went straight into college after high school, he moved directly into TV work after graduating college, and his breaks from television work were devoted to attending the Pittsburgh Theological Seminary (he was ordained as a Presbyterian minister in 1963) and the University of Pittsburgh's Graduate School of Child Development. Moreover, Fred Rogers was born in 1928 and was therefore too old to have enlisted in the armed services by the time of America's military involvement in Vietnam.

Darwin Awards

Darwin Award Winner: When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Alligators

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. : [

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)




M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking, you pervert??

Until then...

*sniff*

A friend just sent me this link... although I don't like that we still have men and women in the middle east fighting a war, I don't want to forget that they are still there. Share a tear with me and watch this flash video (its a long download).

Interview me!

I don't really tag others, but I think its fun playing along. Here are my responses from Shaymo, YAY have fun!

1. If you could visit one place anywhere in the world, where would it be? Although, I could name a hundred places I'd want to visit. If I had to choose just one, I'd say Rome. I'm not that regilious, but after reading Dan Brown's Angels & Demons, I'd love to visit there and learn more about the rich history of that place.

2. Do you sleep on your stomach or your back? On my back. Ya ya I've been told I snore - if I could stop doing it I would :(

3. How many people have you loved in your lifetime? Love. Ahhh love. I believe there are many different levels of love. I truly love both my parents (so that's 2), my sister (now 3) and the brother that I lost (4) and of course my aunt (so that's at least 5). But if I had to say someone I believed I loved as a partner, I think I could only say one (so 6 total). But that one was a drastic disappointment and was only really one sided. So I live on and try to love everyone now (if not at the depth of the aforementioned). And since my lifetime isn't over, I'd have to say Regis, my final answer would be everyone!

4. What do you say when you pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer? Hmmm interesting. I've had relatives that used to do that, so I try to be very polite and listen to their spiel (for as long as I can LOL). Then I just state, "Sorry I'm not interested"... they usually hang up on me.

5. What do you hate more than anything in the world? Bigotry. But as I said, I don't hate anyone, so therefore I can't even hate bigots - their attitude just makes me sad. I won't judge you, so don't judge me because of my choice of group, religion, race, politics, sexual preference, etcetera.
______________________
Whew! that was pretty deep for even me, I'd prefer to just stay the odd-ball and make everyone laugh! :P

Phobias

Since I've been on a medical theme the past few days... I thought I'd continue it. I just wanted to share that I finally figured out I have Lutraphobia. I also combined and made up my own phobia name too: megalo-porphyro-pupaphobia (fear of Barney)!

Figure out your phobia here!

Trust me

I saw someone wearing this t-shirt today... and I thought to myself - that t-shirt should really say, "Trust me, I'm NOT a lawyer!" I don't hate lawyers... I just don't trust most of them!

See more fun t-shirts here!

Bad Chipmunks

This is how one park is trying to stop the bad chipmunks!

Spank the Monkey

If you've read this book already, then you're ready to try this!!

Please post your score LOL

AHHH Zombies!

You shouldn't be afraid of the Martians from the War of the Worlds (the original was better anyway). What you really need is protection from the living dead!! Get your own copy of The Zombie Survival Guide!! We can make it through this together!!! Oh and if you can't afford the book, or can't wait for it in the mail because of a local zombie outbreak... here is a quick reference from the Zombie Squad. Good luck!!

License Exam

California Driver's License Exam

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:__________________ Stage name:____________________

Agent:_________________ Attorney:______________________

Therapist name:_________________

Sex: [ ] male [ ] female [ ] formerly male
[ ] formerly female [ ] both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:_______

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times you expect to:
a) shoot at other drivers _____
b) be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) stop your car.
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
a) security
b) convenience
c) messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

The Gingham Dress

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

We'd like to see the president," the man said softly.

"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always dreaded.

"Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly ,"we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard"

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at
Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?"

Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes

Happy 4th!

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy fourth of July!!

I think we can all celebrate our independance!! And just so they don't feel excluded, even our British friends can participate.

Neoblogism

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, which gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
____________________________

And my contributions:

19. Neoblogism: A novel blog entry which is strikingly new, unusual, or different - which is what most of us are guilty of not doing.