I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis
Dear Penis. After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work eight hours straight.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but only received $66. He asked the teller why he received less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at o nce! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
I got bored tonight and decided to start my own band... I think I'll call em Fred! YAY!! It's pretty cool, I made my band funky... Funky Fred!!! Ya ya pretty sad blog for today, but I'm dancing in my chair now! LOL!
Yesterday my sister and I were reading a book about sex in the Dark Ages. We were very fascinated by that stuff, so we started telling my friend Julio about it, and he began yelling:
"That's amazing!.. Dude! I was just learning about the Dark Ages in class!"
But then when my sister and I got to the part about the sex, Julio quieted down and began picking his nose. But the next day, Julio's mother told me that the reason Julio was so freaked out was because he was watching about sex on TV. On weekends Julio can be really cool like that, but he should know better...
Have no idea what to blog about today? Well then, have one made up for you like the one above... yeah sometimes it doesn't make sense, but hey... I'm random, why can't my blog entry be random too? LOL ;)
Most of these numbers are so unrealistic LOL. I mean come on, in 2005 dollars, Andy Griffin was making $84k a year!! DAMN!!! And Homer Simpson is pulling in a cool $65k a year - I soooo need his job LOL!! MMmmmmmm dooooonuuuuttttssss
Well, I think I just went crazy today... maybe it was the Dr Pepper I drank today (I stopped drinking soda about 5 months ago, so I'm still on my sugar/caffeine rush as I type this - YAY). But I thought up a new way to celebrate Thanksgiving for us single people.
Turkey pizza! Yep with all the fixings... cranberry dipping sauce and for dessert - pumpkin pie pizza! YAY. I even went so far as to suggest this idea to Papa John's pizza LOL I hope I don't get any hate mail from them now LOL.
Here is what I wrote:
Hi I'm a long time fan of Papa John's pizza. I just wanted to share my idea that I got today. With Thanksgiving coming up, why not make a turkey pizza? I'm single and I have no idea how to cook a whole turkey, so why not help me celebrate?
I also remember trying a dessert pizza a long time ago - apple pie or something like that. So why not try making a pumpkin pie pizza to go with the turkey! half and half!! LOL. Ok I know that's getting carried away, but hey. I love turkey!
Keep up the great work!
Oops damn.. I forgot to mention the cranberry dipping sauce - oh well, maybe if they write me back for more ideas I'll mention it. Or maybe I'll just turn a bright shade of red when I realize what I've done after I get off this sugar high!!
*WARNING* Please for the sake of your computer, don't drink any soda or beer while watching this video - IT WILL END UP ON THE SCREEN and between all the keys on your keyboard, and we all know how nasty sticky keys can be!! LOL
I usually don't post politic issues on my blog, but this one is just disturbing and well in my opinion, wrong! It never fails to shock me how people/politicians will give into money over traditions...
Oh hey, lets rename our town so we can get free stuff!!! YAY for free stuff!! Oh, but once its not free anymore... oops we're stuck with the name or bad reputation. Hey why not get some big Japanese company to coax us into renaming a state, why not? Actually, now that I think about it, I want to live in the state of Mitsubishi!! Mmmm gotta love those Toyota potatoes!! Oh wait, Bill Gates should just buy the rights to Washington and call it Seattle, Microsoft - or better yet Start, Microsoft - SWEET!!! I'm salivating already.
Ok ok in all honesty, I think I'll start up my own multi-billion dollar corportation and buy the politicians so I can rename the United States... I'm gonna call it... hmmmm, I know... we can all live in the United States of Confusion!! YAY!!!
DALLAS - Back in the 1950s, Hot Springs, N.M., was renamed Truth or Consequences, N.M., after a popular quiz show. During the dot-com boom of 2000, Halfway, Ore. agreed to become Half.com for one year.
This week, Clark, Texas, morphed into DISH, Texas. Residents in Santa, Idaho, meanwhile, are weighing the pros and cons of changing to Secretsanta.com, Idaho.
Across the nation, small communities are being courted by large corporations who say renaming a town provides a marketing buzz that can't be bought in television ads. Though some worry about corporate America's increasing influence in local government, most towns seem eager to accept.
In a deal unanimously approved by the two-member town council Tuesday evening, Clark agreed to be renamed DISH, effective immediately. It's part of an advertising campaign for Englewood, Colo.-based EchoStar Communications Corp., which operates the Dish Network satellite TV system.
In exchange, the 55 homes in the bedroom community a half hour's drive north of Dallas-Fort Worth get free Dish satellite equipment and basic service for the next decade. Company executives pegged the deal at about $4,500 per home. Signs bearing the town's name are being changed to DISH as well.
Beyond the lure of free TV service for the 125 residents, the renaming is a way for the tiny town to attract businesses and residents, said Mayor Bill Merritt, who actively courted EchoStar to pick the town.
"We really look at this as kind of a rebirth for our community," Merritt said. "We want everybody to come here."
In 2000, Halfway, Ore. agreed to become Half.com for a year in an agreement that put $100,000 in the town coffer and a new computer lab for the school.
The rural town of 345 used the money to buy a snow plow, something former Mayor Marvin Burgraff said was badly needed and has already been used several times this year. And it gave the area known know for its outdoor splendor a tourist boon that continues to this day.
Though the name is back to Halfway, the town still has signs that read "Welcome to Half.com, the World's First Dot-com City."
"It was a good experience," said Burgraff, who served as mayor after the decision had already been approved. "It was kind of fun. You look back on it and it's good thoughts."
In an age of pervasive advertising most people ignore, such stunts are a good way to grab the public's attention, said Mark Hughes, chief executive of Buzzmarketing and the former Half.com executive who devised the Oregon deal.
"Word of mouth is most powerful form of communication and marketing out there," Hughes said via telephone from Santa, where he's now leading the effort to get Santa, Idaho, renamed. "No one's going to talk about the three-thousandth Web site that launched this week. What this does is give people a reason to talk."
But some things shouldn't be for sale, argued Gary Ruskin of the nonprofit Commercial Alert.
Towns should provide basic services such as trash collection and education, "not to hawk television at its residents," he said.
"The names of our civic places reflect our values and our aspirations," Ruskin said. "It's wrong to sever the link between civic names and civic virtue."
Offers of corporate interest have backfired in some communities.
In 2003, residents of Biggs, Calif., overwhelmingly rejected a California Milk Processor Board proposal to rename the city of 1,800 to Got Milk? in exchange for a milk museum and money for the local school.
"People's take on it was, 'This is just an advertising ploy by the milk board.' There was a certain segment of population that wanted to tar and feather the mayor for even suggesting it," city clerk Marlee Mattos recalled. "Now people bring it up jokingly, everybody groans and moves on."
Clark, a rural patch of ranch land was founded in June 2000 by L.E. Clark, who lost to Merritt in May's mayoral election. He blasted the plan and said he would use neighboring Justin, Texas, which shares the same ZIP code, on future correspondence instead of DISH.
"I don't especially like it," he said. "I worked my butt off a little over a year getting it incorporated."
Merritt, meanwhile, said work had already begun to change the town's dozen street signs.
He doesn't see DISH ever going out of favor.
"I can't see right now that people would want to change it," he said. "Clark will always be a part of our history, but this is our new identity."
The Indians were right. They believed photos captured the soul. How else to explain the soulful picture below: President Bush, making a speech from a beribboned balcony, appears to be wearing a big ole patriotic skirt.
Now that I'm back in the blogger world after my brief three day stent away... I figured out why I wasn't happy - I needed an outlet from my outlet LOL. Well actually I needed someplace to share my crappy poetry. The mood of which it seems depends on my how much chocolate I had consumed that day...
Ya ya, I only quit for 3 days... Its almost kind of embarrassing, I just couldn't stay away. Its almost like Pete's addiction to cigs, but only brain cells have been damaged from blogging too much!! *twitch* Anyway, I know there is still too much funny stuff to post!
Now I gotta see if Pete's weakness is Midgets LOL (take the quiz Pete!! It only involves typing in your name!! LOL)
Your Superhero Profile
Your Superhero Name is The Cyber Engineer Your Superpower is Artificial Intelligence Your Weakness is Alcohol Your Weapon is Your Electro Saber Your Mode of Transportation is Slide
