Caveman Ingenuity

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Oldest profession

A Man Walks Into A Bar. He Sees A Good Looking, Smartly Dressed Woman Perched On A Bar Stool. He Walks Up Behind Her And Says, "Hi There Good Looking, How's It Going?

She Turns Around, Faces Him, Looks Him Straight In The Eye And Says, "Listen, I'll Screw Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere, Your Place, My Place, It Doesn't Matter. I've Been Doing It Ever Since I Got Out Of College. I Just Flat Out Love It!"

He Says, "No Kidding? I'm A Lawyer Too! What Firm Are You With?"

Torture!

The dreaded Chinese water torture method
took many hours to break a person...
the incessant dripping of water on their forehead
would eventually bring them to the brink of insanity!

Recently, some of the most devious minds
in the world came together,
and used their knowledge of torture methods
to conceive of the worst possible torture...
EVER!

if you think you can handle it,
or you're just into masochism,
click the link below and don't look away!!

I can take it, TORTURE ME!

NERD!!!

Addiction

Mona Lisa

What Mona Lisa does when you're not looking

Driving too fast

I might have been driving too fast today....

Build You Up

by Nelly Furtado

Baby don't believe it
Oh, it's in your eyes
I can see the weakness
You don't have to hide
I can take you under
Under my wing
cause your voice gives me a song
That i love to sing

Baby, they build you up
Only to tear you down
Don't give up
Baby don't believe it, baby don't believe it

Baby they build you up
Only to tear you down
Baby don't believe it, baby don't believe it
Oh, it's good for nothing

You were just a child
Ready to explore
And everything you saw
Looked like an open door

A place you can remember
You'd love to go back
But you can't even comprehend
That it's all in the past

Baby they build you up
Only to tear you down
Baby don't believe it, baby don't believe it
Oh, it's good for nothing

Baby they build you up
Only to tear you down
Baby don't believe it, baby don't believe it
Oh, it's good for nothing

Put your heart in my hands and i won't hurt you
Put your heart in my hands
I promise not to

I'll lift you up, you'll fly away, I'll lift you up, lift you up
I'll never build you up, only to tear you down
Baby just believe it, baby just believe it, it's good for something
I'll never build you up, only to tear you down, oh it's good for nothing
And i love you the way you are

Birthdays

The birthdays of today.... Aug 24th

Kenny Baker (R2D2 - Star Wars)
Orson Scott Card (novelist)
Dave Chappell (funny dude!)
Stephen Fry (voice of The Guide in HHGTTG)
Rafael Furcal (babeball dude!)
Carmine Giovinazzo (Detective Danny Messer - CSI:NY)
Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley - Harry Potter)
Steve Guttenberg (actor - Three men and a baby)
Craig Kilborn (The Late Late Show)
David Koechner (Cooter - Dukes of Hazard movie)
Jennifer Lien (Kes - Star Trek Voyager)
Marlee Matlin (Academy Award winning actress)
Vince McMahon (WWE dude!)
Reggie Miller (basketball dude!)
Chad Michael Murray (actor dude)
Christopher Parker (British actor dude)
Cal Ripken, Jr. (baseball dude!)
Harold John "Hal" Smith (Otis Campbell - Andy Griffin show)
Aleksey Konstantinovich Tolstoy (novelist)
and Me!!!

... I think I'm in good company :)

The Birds & Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny speech."

At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy speech."

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no Santa speech"

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

eBay Quiz

This is a table being sold on eBay...

can you figure out if its being sold by a man or a woman?


scroll down for answer...

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Did you guess a woman? hmmmm look in the upper left corner of the picture, what do you see in the mirror? LOL

Dancing around the world!

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Someday soon, I'm going to be like Matt here... I'll travel around the world and dance in every country - hopefully a little better than him LOL

Reporting Weed

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Here is a video record of how difficult it is to be a reporter, the endurance and stamina it takes to.... well run off camera and eat some brownies!

I wonder...

... does this guy still have this name?

What HP kid are you?

Which HP Kid Are You?

You know you're a drunkard when.... (part 2)

You suspect that water, taken in small quantities, isn’t all that dangerous.

You occasionally have meals with your wine.

You wake up every morning at the crack of ice.

You drink to forget you drink.

You distrust camels, or anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

People get drunk by shaking your hand.

You never eat breakfast on an empty stomach.

Beer is the reason you get up every afternoon.

The only drinking problem you have is the two-hands/one-mouth thing.

Your house is so messy because it spins like a top every time you lie down.

You drink to steady yourself, and sometimes you get so steady you can’t move.

You never walk, you just occasionally stagger in a straight line.

You get angry because there’s always so much booze left at the end of your money.

You think that drunks are a lot like chess players, only drunk.

You forgot your fishing pole on your fishing trip and didn’t notice.

You’ve been laid out on more floors than Johnson’s Wax.

You know you're a drunkard when.... (part 1)

You fall down a well and send Lassie to the liquor store.

Bartenders call you when you’ve been absent for more than two days.

Lawn sprinklers are sometimes your alarm clock.

You wake up in a strange city not knowing how you got there, and the three other guys don’t know either.

You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.

You lost a fistfight with yourself.

It takes two shots of schnapps to wash the taste of Breathalyzer out of your mouth.

You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer.

You went on vacation for two weeks and the owner of your regular bar had his boat repossessed.

You’ve asked a bartender to “freshen up” your shot glass.

Bars call in their off-duty bartenders when you walk in the door.

You’ve asked a waiter: “What sort of wine goes with vodka?”

When buying floor tile, you press your face against it to see how comfortable it would be to sleep on.

You get into a loud, enraged argument, then realize you’re alone.

After your fifth drink, you’re like Don Juan with the ladies: They Don Juan nothing to do with you.

Wise Lancelot

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

















Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

scroll down









The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly.

Can I love a photo?

What is it that makes us fall in love?

does that person fit you like a glove?

is it something in their eyes, or their face?

would you love them with something out of place?

don't you love that beautiful smile?

or just that quirky sense of style?

for some what attracts is what they see

but beauty and looks are not the key

A picture is how this love did start

but hours of chatting strengthened my heart

she always makes me smile and laugh

which is effortlessly done for my behalf

much time has passed and we have not met

but this is not going to make me upset

if we plan to meet, will she really show?

oh well for now... I can just love her photo

Whale sounds

Smart Blonde

Finally a joke for Sasha!!
--------------------------

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Numa Numa

Well I'm sure you've all heard the Numa Numa song.

The guy in the video, Gary Brolsma, is actually in the Wikipedia. The Numa Numa wikipedia page has links to numerous other imitation videos and the above original.

On http://www.garybrolsma.net/ are more videos you've probably never seen, including the original song "Dragostea Din Tei" by O-Zone. And of course the lyrics LOL

I've included my find here... it's a cute baby dancing to the song.

And, I had to put this link here just for Karen - she loves that geek Napoleon! LOL