Self Improvement Advice from the Devil

1. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
2. Half the people you know are below average.
3. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
10. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
11. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
12. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
13. I intend to live forever……so far, so good.
14. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
15. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
16. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
18. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
19. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.