Back in town

I'm back in town... it was a nice pleasant drive from Houston to Dallas. And I had a nice relaxing evening. Back to the grind in the morning!! I'll post something more meaningful tomorrow!

Gross!!

Eewwwwwwwwwwww... During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.



In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)



An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.



In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!



Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.



In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.



At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.



Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.



HAVE A GREAT DAY... and wash your damn hands!!!!!

Viagra

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife says "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said," Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

Magic Eye

YAY! A magic eye generator! Can you see?

Urinal

A new Japanese urinal... be honest which side would you use? LOL

Ten Thoughts

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Homage

Don't ever stop being yourself
hiding behind someone in stealth
fearing that you'd lose someone
if that person stopped having fun.
You'll pay the price with a piece of your heart
sometimes the most important part.

The choices we make, we shouldn't regret,
instead grow, learn and don't you fret.
Things may go wrong, its the karma we pay
live one day at a time and don't forget to play
Be strong, love yourself and your life
and don't forget to hold on to your... "gonads and strife"

A Riddle

Highlight next to "Answer:" to get a clue!

Smell anything here? --->


Answer: A scent


See any fruit here? --->


Answer: A pear


See any snakes here? --->


Answer: Three copperheads


See any cars here? --->


Answer: Four Lincolns


See any sex here?







Hell no, and you won't for five cents !!!

Hurricane Emily

All these poor people ended up in a shelter to get away from the wrath of hurricane Emily... look at the picture closely and you'll see someone wasn't suffering as much as the others.


(click on picture to enlarge)