Thursday, June 22, 2006

Music Interlude

The new Osmond family... except that have no rhythm! LMAO

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Monday, June 19, 2006

Best Stunt Drivers

Who has the best stunt drivers in the world?

#7 Italy


#6 Indonesia


#5 Malaysia


#4 Germany


#3 Hong Kong


#2 Korea


And the best stunt drivers in the world are from
the Philippines!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Blonde winner

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor-home; I've won a motor-home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor-home! I've won a motor-home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor-home because we don't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor-home!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...









"W I N A B A G E L"

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Your Drinking Sign

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely.
Oops!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Calories and sex

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent
Without her consent
12 Calories
187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands
With one hand
With your teeth
8 Calories
12 Calories
85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection
Without an erection
6 Calories
315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris
Trying to find the G-Spot
8 Calories
92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary
69 lying down
69 standing up
Wheelbarrow
Her on top
Doggy Style
Donkey punch
52 Calories
78 Calories
112 Calories
216 Calories
524 Calories
726 Calories
912 Calories
ORGASMIC:
Real
False
112 Calories
315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging
Getting up immediately
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately
18 Calories
36 Calories
816 calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old
30-39 years
40-49 years
50-59 years
60-69 years
70 and over
36 Calories
80 Calories
1124 Calories
1972 Calories
2916 Calories
pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly
In a hurry
With her father knocking at the door
With your spouse knocking at the door
32 Calories
98 Calories
1218 Calories
5521 Calories

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Paramedics


I think my hearing is going kaput! (either that or I have a sick and twisted mind LOL)

I overheard a couple of friends talking at work today. One mentioned that he was trying to become a fireman/paramedic.

Another friend asked, "Is that a difficult thing to do?"

The response was, "Well the physical part depends on what city you're in... a city with tall buildings means that I have to be able to drag my hose up a certain number of flights of stairs"

I gasped and retorted, "Are you talking about pimp school or fireman school?"

They all moaned in disgust... hey sorry, my mind interpreted it that way!!

*halo mode on*

Earn Money!

I need this job!!! LOL *blink*

Monday, June 5, 2006

Measure your privates!

I'm sorry... this is just too funny not to share :P

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Geek Week

OMG this is the funniest stuff EVER!!!...

<3 the Secret Wars reenactment!! LOL

GEEKS RULE!!! (check out the podcast!)